People typically fall into learning about spiritual abuse, because they’ve either been hurt personally or someone close to them has been hurt by it.
I unfortunately fell into learning about it for both of the above reasons. The MANY people I know and care deeply about that have been tremendously harmed by those that spiritually abuse and manipulate is shocking.
Abuse is a very powerful and emotional word that will sometimes shut people down or veer people away from conversation. This isn't a topic people want to dive into for fun typically.
“If it doesn’t leave a mark, then it’s not really abuse” is what people seem to lean towards to avoid the uncomfortableness of the topic (Side-note is that it DOES leaves many marks on abuse survivors that used self-harm while living with the abuse or the stress of the abuse causes other physical health issues).
I wish people would realize that any organization, person, institution, etc…can be abusive. I wish people would understand this and be curious about it. Approach it with a curiosity to learn what they don’t know about it.
What does Spiritual Abuse look like? Coercion and control in a spiritual environment. Someone that has power by their position. It can look like manipulation, boundary crossing, censoring someone's ability to make their own decisions. It looks like an inability to ask questions and requiring obedience to those in authority without question. It's a form of emotional and phycological abuse.
Not every perception of abuse is real, but if someone says there is spiritual abuse and manipulation, it deserves to be investigated by someone who understands spiritual abuse and can identify it.
When someone says they've been deeply hurt by something, we should be curious to understand, regardless of what label they put on it.
Since working so hard to leave the bondage that was placed on me from the spiritual abuse and manipulation that I endured by many people in my life, I have been trying to understand the “Why” and “How” behind all of this.
Why is this so prevalent? Why do people start using it? How are people able to use this form of abuse so successfully? Why do people stay in this abusive system for so long? Why is it so hard to identify? Why is it so hard to leave? And SO MANY other questions.
When I look back on the MANY regrets I have over how I handled the spiritual abuse that continually harmed me, my family, and those outside my family, to, “Keep the peace” with those that were weaponizing scripture, I can get easily frustrated and mad at myself. Jesus didn't “keep the peace” with those that were using scripture to harm others. Why was I?
If we could start understanding the “Why” and the "How", then we can start making changes and also have compassion on our younger selves. Both of which I desperately needed.
Through surrounding ourselves with some really good people, licensed counselors, books, podcast, and more, we've gotten a lot of those questions answered and Caleb and I have been actively making changes in our own family life to stop the harmful cycle from continuing into the next generation.
Today I stumbled on this article that answered a TON of those questions I've been working through SO WELL. It's a bit of a read, but so worth it! Click the quote below to read the whole article:
When we know better, we can start to do better! This goes through my head on a daily basis. When I feel myself getting upset over how I used to enable and allow horrible things that took place in my life and the life of those I care about, I remind myself that I did the best I could with the tools I had.
Now I have more tools and I'm trying to do better. I am learning to be more curious and not jump to defend my belief system. I'm starting to break down the walls that kept me from relationships with many, due to, “Not being equally yoked”.
I'm having compassion on myself and empathy over the way I operated, while under the bondage that was placed on me from a very young age, that isn't easily removed.
I'm questioning everything. Something I used to be shamed over, when the questions got harder and harder to answer and the belief system became harder and harder to defend by those that were twisting scripture to push their ideology and keep me under the bondage of fear, shame, guilt, condemnation, and more.
I know it's so worth diving into the really really hard process of separating the lies from the truth. To know I'm worthy of love and to know I'm beloved, without having to try to earn that, is the freedom that I wish I could've had all these years that I lived in bondage.
I've gotten verses thrown at me when people accuse me of “gossip” or “slander”. This is a common method used to silence abuse survivors and the truth. This is twisting scripture. This is spiritual manipulation and I'm all too familiar with that.
Below I'm going to wrap up with an article from someone that grew up in the same culture I did. All the things he mentions at the beginning are things I was very much involved in and knew about, during my teen years. He did a really good job with this article on Four Tools of Spiritual Manipulators (Click the bolden words to go to the link) that I have experienced countless times by those that tried and succeeded time and time again to manipulate me for years.
When we shine light on the darkness, it loses its power and that is what I'm slowly trying to do by sharing my story.
I'm thinking I'm going to take a break from these harder emails. It takes quite the toll on me. I've heard from a lot of you about how these have been tremendously helpful and that is so encouraging! Thank you for those words of encouragement.
It makes writing these emails a bit easier, knowing that when I share about the brokenness of my story and the truth I've discovered, it can help encourage other's still held under the bondage that I have been under for most of my life.
My hope is this next generation will get to experience a place where curiosity and questioning is a good thing. Where they are taught how to think, not just how to learn.
