Wow, I'm so grateful for all of your love and support! The outpouring of love I have received, after the last email went out and I opened up about a icky part of my story that most people knew nothing about. If you missed that email, here is a link where you can read it (Click the photo):

 So many of you asked me how people that seemed so perfect could be that deep into something so harmful. The answer is complex and would take so long to dive into, but I hope to touch on some different topics here and there as I continue to gain courage to share parts of my story that I kept silence for years.

The month of January is “Spiritual Abuse Awareness Month” and there has been a lot of great content out there diving into the harmful ways that people weaponize the Bible to harm others. I could write an entire book on my own personal experience with this, but I am pretty mentally drained from losing my sweet horse this last week, so I'm going to put my focus on that part of my life.

Ugh, this last week was the week I've been dreading ever since I first brought my mare, Chloe, home. I got her when she was just 5 years old and had only been ridden under saddle at a walk/trot. She was terrified of trailers and being tied to anything. She had cuts all over her face from the trainer that tried to get her to accept being tied up to a cement wall. Her owner was just giving her away, because the trainer had given up on her.

When we got to her stall and opened the door, she ignored all of us and immediately dropped her head down to my youngest sister who was barely knee-high. Chloe just gently nuzzled my sister and had the softest eyes and I knew I was going to love this horse.

There was a lot of ground work and earning her trust, but Chloe quickly became an incredible horse. She was no longer the nervous horse that wouldn't let you touch her head, back-up every time she felt resistance from the lead rope (breaking fences, breaking through 5 halters, and denting metal barns in her past over this), and had worked through so much of her claustrophobia. She went on 100s of miles of trail rides with me in the first few years alone.

Chloe was there for me, when I was diagnosed with 3 months left to live from my Crohn's disease. She was my strong shoulder to cry on and wrapped her head around me, when I felt like I had lost God's love for me, because of the spiritual abuse I had endured and been brainwashed by that said that any sickness was God's way of punishing me for my sins. She reminded me that a true Father's love would not be conditional, and when I'm angry at my outcome of life, He would pull me closer, not push we away. It was in that moment I realized I had been raised to believe in a false god and in religion. It was the big kick to dig deeper into what I had been brought up in and believed.

She was my safe space to get away from the pain of never measuring up at home or in my community that I was isolated/stuck in until I got married. The bit of freedom I had, when I went on trail rides with her, was something I cherished in the high-control religion I was brought up in and operated under. Once married, she was there for me when I lost my three babies as well. She could always sense when I was struggling with something and was the steady strength I could always count on when I leaned up against her.

Caleb has only ever known me with Chloe in my life. We met through our love of horses. We've created our life around that love and moved to the country to keep that lifestyle apart of our life and our children's.

She was with me for both of my really bad riding accidents and stood by my side, when I was unconscious on the road with a traumatic brain injury for the first and laying next to the broken fence for the second one.

When I had kids, she became the first horse my kids got to ride. She had so much fire in her and loved to challenge any adult that acted like they knew better than she did, but became as gentle as can be when there were little kids around or on her. When we got our rescue pony, Trooper, she took him in and mothered him. Those two were never apart, if they could help it.

I had over 15 years of memories with her and I am thankful for that, even if colic took her life far too soon. Every-time I look out towards the barn or walk over there, I expect to see her head peaking out of the barn. Every-time Trooper neighs for her, my heart breaks a bit more.

I am so thankful I had a chance to be with her on her hardest day, after all she did for me. She lived her last years out, being spoiled and loved on so much by all of us and her buddy, Trooper. As hard as it was to say goodbye, I know she is no longer in pain and I will forever cling to the memories we've gotten to share together over the years.

Below is short video I made up of her last day with us. It shares the story of everything that went on that day as well and how we were reunited when she was found over 3 miles away, laying on the road (click the photo).

I had so many other plans for this email, but those got put on hold for now. I appreciate all the love you've shown me and my family!